CuddleLA

They are seen by many as relics of the past, appropriate to an aristocracy, perhaps, in which common people are subjected to the arbitrary dictates of their masters — but not to free-born, modern men and women.

And yet, in many contexts, we recognize the importance of some level of trustworthiness.

A thought experiment: Say you order a used book online. The book never arrives. When you email and phone the seller to request a refund, the seller never responds. You, if you are like most people, will find the seller's actions objectionable — perhaps even worthy of a small-claims lawsuit.

You and the bookseller, when you purchased the book online, made an agreement: money in exchange for book. By violating that agreement, the seller has, in effect, robbed you.

On the other hand, while we recognize in contexts such as these the importance of honoring agreements, we also recognize that there are more fundamental values that supercede agreements.

For example, if someone has made a date with you and cancels at the last minute, because she has broken her leg and must go to the hospital, you, if you are like most people, will not be offended by the cancellation. Of anyone who would expect a woman with a broken leg to keep the date because "it's important to honor your agreements," we are likely to suspect psychosis.

Or, if someone has made a date with you and cancels at the last minute, because she has been offered an unexpected interview with the employer of her dreams, you, if you are like most people, will not be offended by the cancellation. Of anyone who would expect a woman granted such a career opportunity to keep the date because "it's important to honor your agreements," we are likely to suspect malignant narcissism.

These examples, in their extremity, make the point that agreements are not sacrosanct. They also suggest, however, that there must be a line — somewhere — between an honorable cancellation and a frivolous or "flaky" one.

So the question becomes: When considering opting out of an agreement, what level of consciousness do you generate within yourself as regards your position with respect to that line?

There are no externally generated rules for making such a judgment, no lawbook you can refer to in each case. And for some, this absense of external authority is sufficiently anxiety-provoking that it is easier to blank out awareness that there is, nonetheless, a line.

But to the extent one blanks out awareness of the reality of a line, one will tend to suffer a generalized guilt related to that blanking out. In some cases, we may find this guilt appropriate, in other cases, inappropriate, but in no cases will the guilt be productive — unless it influences one to pay deeper attention to the basic issues upon which the value of agreement rests.

If one does, one may begin to see that to honor an agreement — or, to break one as an act of conscious judgment — means to honor life, to respect ourselves and other individuals in our universe, to promote the healthy flow of life and avoid doing harm, and to treat self and others with dignity.

It's not about rules.

Home | About | Testimonials | Press | Faq | Staffing | Lifeguards | Register | Contact Us